Birds and Bees

Hey son. You’ve been growing up real well, and I think it’s about time I talked to you about something important. My parents told it to me when I was a kid, and even though it was awkward and embarrassing, I was sure glad they did it. You may not appreciate this information now, or even a couple of years from now. But some day it will come in handy, and I hope when that day comes, you’ll thank your old man for telling it to you.

I’m talking about the birds and the bees. I know you know all about sex and fucking, and what parts girls have and what parts boys have. I’ve seen the internet tabs you leave open on the computer downstairs. Yes, I’m serious. And no, I’m not upset. Everyone does it. It’s something that everyone is interested in. No, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. I admit, your preference in material is different than mine. Quite different, if I can be honest with you, but that doesn’t matter. Filth is filth, son, and there’s no reason to feel bad about it. I’ll warn you though, some people don’t like to talk about it. It makes them uncomfortable. For this reason, it’s usually best to partake in this sort of thing in private. But I know that you’re a smart kid, and you’ll do what you think is best.

So, back on topic. The birds and the bees. To put it simply: you can’t fuck either of them. OK, yes, well maybe a bird. But you can’t fuck bees, that’s for sure. Actually, birds are also out. You wouldn’t be able to catch one, and even if you did, it would be pecking and scratching at you so much, it simply wouldn’t be worth the trouble. Not to mention, bird parts are a heck of a lot different than human parts. They just don’t work the same way. Well no, I don’t know how exactly they work, I just know it’s different. Too different. Bird dicks are a lot smaller than human dicks. And they’re shaped differently, too. I don’t know how they’re shaped, they’re just different. No, you wouldn’t be able to catch one, I’m sure of that. Well of course you could use a trap, but that’s not what I mean. You don’t want to be setting up a trap to catch birds so that you can fuck them! Son, that’s just not a good idea. You would make the bird unhappy. It would lose its feathers trying to fight you off, and then it wouldn’t be able to fly anymore. Do you want that? Of course you don’t. Just get the idea out of your head. Just stick to humans and see how that goes, OK? And yes, bees are definitely out. A hive? That is not a good idea either. Are you serious? Well if you really want to, go right ahead. No I have never fucked a hive before, but I guarantee that it will be both uncomfortable and extremely painful. The bees will always win that one, buddy. Just trust me, OK?

You’re a good kid, and you have a good head on your shoulders. I love you more than anything else, and the last thing I want is for you to get hurt, or for you to be confused about something. The world is a big place pal, and all we have is our wits and each other. We’re all in it together. We have to help each other out, especially about stuff like this.

Yes, that’s all I wanted to say. You’re welcome, son.